People often tell me I am an inspiration to others. I am an incredible woman for adopting my two children. They tell me that my children are so lucky to have me as their mother. Personally I don’t believe in luck. I believe that everything in life happens for a reason, and that we are the masters of our own destiny and happiness.I mean I suppose winning five bucks on a scratch card is lucky, but adopting two beautiful children has absolutely nothing to do with luck. The word lucky is thrown around quite a lot in adoption conversations – lucky children, lucky parents, so lucky to have found each other.My children were meant to be mine because I was meant to be a mother and have a family to love of my very own. I know that we were matched with our children because of the wonderful people that we are, the way we live our life, and the way that we treat the people in it with respect, kindness and love. We live our life honestly and openly and we are not afraid to have difficult conversations with people. Most importantly we are so proud of the way our family was created.I actually had someone say to me the other night as she rang to congratulate me on the arrival of my new son, that his birth mother should be sterilised. People often say things like this to me about my children’s birth mothers. They make assumptions about the types of women that they are. They assume they are drug addicts or whores who get pregnant with no regard for their baby. They don’t understand why they should be allowed to see their child, when they made the choice not to parent them.Unfortunately as with all things adoption, it is never quite that simple. But the only part that is simple to me, is the fact that another woman gave birth to my child, and that in my eyes means an incredible amount. I love those women to the very core, as without them I wouldn’t be holding my two beautiful children in my arms.I will NEVER deny those women the right to see or have contact with their own child. If that makes me inspirational – then I guess in a way I am. But to be completely honest I feel as though it is really the very least I can do.I have met quite a few couples now who have also adopted their children, and when we start chatting it becomes apparent that they all have rather complicated backgrounds and histories. The most amazing thing is that our children’s stories are all so different and unique. No adoption story is ever the same.I want to say to others that it is not your place to judge our children’s birth mothers. You don’t know for one second what it must feel like for them to live with the fact they don’t get to see their own child every day. You couldn’t possibly know that my children’s birth mothers are both victims of abuse themselves, and have had the saddest childhoods you could ever imagine.They were not loved, adored and cherished by their families. The people who brought them into the world, but did not take care of them in the best possible way. Some of the things they endured as children would bring tears to your eyes. The loss and sadness they have felt is immeasurable. The pain in their heart from losing their child is vast and deep, and cannot ever be filled no matter how much they try.I want to say to people that in actual fact the choice that they made in regard to their birth child means that they will NEVER go on to endure the same hardships as they did. They are being loved and cuddled and cherished every minute of every day. They will never suffer at the hands of their own families, and will grow up as every child should – feeling safe and secure and valued.For my two children the cycle at last, has well and truly been broken. When the time comes I will share with them the the things I know about their birth mothers and the choices they made. When the questions arise I will remain open and loving and speak the truth…no matter how difficult that may be for them to hear.I will always gently encourage them to attend visits with them, as their birth mothers created them and bought them into the world and that is something to be respected, honoured and valued.I will always tell them how loved they both are by their birth mothers.I will always speak respectfully and kindly about their birth mothers.I will teach my children that sometimes in life things are tough, but that I will ALWAYS be there to hold your hand and support you through any of the emotions that may arise in the future.But most importantly…. I will teach my children about compassion, understanding and acceptance of others and the decisions that they make.That is the very least I can do.
Chaos to Calm Consultancy would like Wadawarrung of the Kulin Nation. We acknowledge the elders past, present and emerging -particularly the Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander parents who walked before us supporting and connecting their children to the earth, water and community. Always was. Always will be.