Some days my heart is just so full of love I feel it actually might burst.
When I was presented with the challenge of facing a life without children, one of the biggest questions I had to ask myself was, what am I going to do with all of this love inside of me?
I have always been the type of person who saw the best in everyone and the world around her. But whilst going through my difficult journey to motherhood, it was bloody hard some days – actually almost impossible.
How could I be happy for other people who seemed to be able to get pregnant just by saying the word ‘sperm’ or looking at a penis! Now I know it’s not that easy really, but that just what it felt like some days.
Don’t even get me started on the times I would go down to my local shopping centre during school holidays, and be surrounded by women with 3 or 4 cheeky rug rats in tow. How come she gets 4 I would ask myself?
I really only just want one – is that too much to ask? The inequality of life at times really was too much for me to bare.
You see, my problem is that I am the type of person who believes that you create your own life and the happiness that ensues. I am the master of my own destiny. If you want something in life, don’t sit around waiting for it to happen – go out and get it!
I think that is why I found the whole IVF process so frustrating. It didn’t matter what I did, I had no control over the outcome. They said stop eating this and that –so I did. They said limit the stress in your life – so I took 12 months off work. They said try acupuncture – so guess what – I did. Drink red wine – now that one I could live with!
You name it, I did it all for the sake of becoming pregnant.
For me though, none of it made any difference to my unexplained fertility. My body just did not agree that it was supposed to have a baby grow inside of it. I had never really been one of those women that was desperate to be pregnant. I just knew that getting pregnant was a vital part in creating the family that I so desperately wanted.
I wanted children in my life and a family of my own.
I had waited so long to find the perfect man for me & I was losing him through the process of trying to become pregnant. We were exhausted, grieving and just going through the motions each day the best we could. Two years in we were told that basically our chances of conceiving were ‘fuck all’, and the best option we had was trying to use an egg donor. Luckily for us we did have a beautiful friend offer to be our egg donor, and I did fall pregnant twice, but it was not meant to be.
At that point we made the most difficult decision I think we will ever have to make.
We CHOSE to save our marriage over having a baby.
I remember calling my husband one day at work crying. I was inconsolable. He came home and we lay huddled together on the lounge room floor for hours, and we just sobbed our hearts out for the baby that we would never create.
It’s funny though, because almost as soon as we made the decision to put our marriage first, it was like a weight had been lifted. We had once again taken control of the situation and our lives. It felt amazing.
We started to put our focus back into each other, and spending more time with our friends. We laughed more, and enjoyed all of the things in life that our friends with kids couldn’t do spontaneously – like see a movie or lay in bed all day reading the newspapers.
We still really wanted a family, and children in our lives. That had not changed. We were still focused on creating the family we had always dreamed of.
I have ALWAYS known that I would adopt a child. For my husband however, the decision was not as easy. It was a process that he had to work though, and I had to wait patiently, being supportive and encouraging of him. We had learnt through our earlier challenges that we both needed to process and sort through things in our own way. For him it just took a bit longer than me.
I will never forget the day he called me to say that we had been matched with our beautiful sixteen week old daughter.
I never knew that you could be in love with someone before you even met them. But you can.
Talk about a love explosion – my heart just about bursts every time I look at her.
Every morning when she wakes up singing, I am reminded that I am so glad that we made the decision to save our marriage and put our relationship before everything else.
When I see her run laughing down the hallway when her dad comes home from work and leaps lovingly into his arms, I am thankful that I gave my husband the space and time he needed.
When I think about all of the tears I cried and the times my heart ached, I can now smile, because without them I wouldn’t have my very own beautiful family to love.
For more information about adoption in Australia visit www.adoptchange.com.au
Chaos to Calm Consultancy would like Wadawarrung of the Kulin Nation. We acknowledge the elders past, present and emerging -particularly the Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander parents who walked before us supporting and connecting their children to the earth, water and community. Always was. Always will be.